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Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
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Eh. I'm just going to create a new account.
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Apparently a phrase I need to become more familiar with. That being said . . .I'm bringing back the livejournal! I'm keeping all my old entries and whatnot. I figured I don't necessarily want to erase who I used to be and the feelings I used to have, but I also want to share the person I've become. And that person is fucking awesome, by the way. Anyways, I've read some of my old entries. I've noticed that I'm repeatedly going through alot of the same shit and feelings. Drama is a never ending cycle, I suppose. I can never avoid it, no matter how hard I try. The price to pay for having so much heart. I'm going to try to write often and keep my thoughts in check. Until next time . . . I'm going to update personal info and whatnot. Ahh.... blogging.
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Thursday, June 14th, 2007
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So........... I met this guy and he's pretty much the most
CUTEST GUY YOU'VE EVER SEEN!!.
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Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
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So, in 4 hours I will be on a plane headed to Las Vegas. Pretty exciting, huh? I think so. Not very many people, that I know of anyways, can say that they've been there. Gesso and I will be staying at the Stratosphere, a popular hotel in the area. The hotel also comes with an amusement park on the roof. Can it get any better? Why, yes it can. In this amusement park, there are several rides and ROLLER COASTERS. One ride in particular caught my eye.
This attraction is 906 ft. tall and hangs 62 ft. off the edge of the building.
Hell yeah, I'm riding the hell out of it!
So, wish me luck. Let's hope I'm not robbed or disemboweled by hooker midgets or something.
I'll see you on the flip side.
OH! and last night I took the liberty in entering myself into a Guitar Hero competition.
*Drumroll please*
You are reading the entries of the Guitar Hero EXPERT champion of Athens, GA.
No lie. I've witnesses. If you yourself would like to be a witness of the phenomenon, please go to the Caledonia Lounge next Tuesday night around 9pm and see the unimaginable yourself!
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Saturday, October 7th, 2006
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I don't even want to talk.
I change my mind too much.
I had an alright night last night. Had a small conversation that was needed. Heather and some friends came over with Jose (tequila). I rode my bike in the parking lot for awhile. I had fun, I suppose. I feel ok now. I think I'm going to drink some beers here in a bit. I'm alone at home and it's freaking bored. Blah Blah Blah .... I'm watching a television series called Doctor Who. BBC shit. The characters are awesome. The stories are terrible. They're complete crap. The one I'm watching right now has the guy who played Shaun in Shaun of the Dead, so that's cool. He's pretty cool. But the story is crap. Totally.
Well.... onwards, I suppose.
God, the animation on this show. It's like a monstrous slug-like turd with razor sharp teeth. Unbelievable and fucking terrible.
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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Right now I feel an unexplainable pain. I feel like everything that I've known to love, I've lost. I feel like I've let go of the most important thing in my life. And I feel the most incredible weight "lifted from my shoulders."
I can't explain how much I love you. You were the first and not seeing you is not normal. It's taken me two months to say what I said this morning, and I didn't say half of what I wanted to say.
Right now I need someone. There's always so much shit going through my head, and I need someone not to contribute to the aggravation but to love me. And several times I thought you could be. But every single time you'd just do the same shit over and over. I understand that I'm not the most understanding person. I'm a huge pain in the ass and I don't make sense and am VERY aggravating as well. I was only the way I was because I wanted you to love me. I just went about doing it the wrong way and drove you further. I've spent the past year and a half trying to figure myself out. And lately I've been getting a hang on it.
I've got to let you go because I'm going nowhere. I keep trying and trying and giving in and keeping hope. But there is no more. There is no getting better. This is it at its best. And that's horrible.
I don't think you're happy either. I know you love me. Maybe even in love with me, whether you realize it or not. But you need to figure yourself out, too. You have so many things you want to do. You want to travel, you want to practice magick, you want to be a musician, you want to get into shape. Do it. I think I contribute to holding you back, maybe. I feel like it sometimes.
IF you do love me, please don't ever stop that. I still want to see you and hang out. You are my best friend. You know me inside and out. I still need you. Whether you know or not, you are there for me somtimes. Sometimes just being there is good enough.
I love you with all my heart and I hope you understand everything.
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Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
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I've finally signed my own lease. I've my own apartment. I'm very excited. I'll be moving in this Friday, so now I can people over to my new, nice, clean home.
Adam....
Work is good. Medicare SUCKS and the main office to the company I work for is full of fucking MORONS who tell me information I already know when I call them.
What does Jeff Goldblum want?
And remaining problems.... remain. Same shit, different day. I think so much I think my head's going to explode and it just might. People drive me crazy. Men.
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Saturday, September 9th, 2006
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I think I made a mistake. I think that I made a HUGE mistake. But at the same time, I don't think I did. I don't know. I had accused someone of something and then proceeded to do something irrational due to blind anger. But then again, this said person I don't trust at all when it comes to things like that.
(I know reading this makes no sense, but it makes sense to me and I suppose that's all that matters. I need to vent.)
I've come to hate sex. Not the action itself, but the idea and how it's treated. It can be so controlling to an enamored individual yet so nonchalant to another. These days it's not something special to people. It's not about being the closet you can to someone. It's not about connection. It's all about rubbing one out. Cumming. Getting off. Image. And that really upsets me. I don't see sex as the way I used to anymore. I've only had one one-night-stand and that was stupid. I did it just to do it and found no pleasure from it. I don't think that I could have sex with someone again based on physical attractiveness alone. Everyone else that I've had sex with was for a reason or I didn't want it.
I just don't understand why sex is so important to people. Why it can direct someone's life. Yeah, it's cool..... but so is Star Wars and Indiana Jones. There are other things that two or more individuals can do and have just as much fun, if not more. Plus, it cuts down on retarded fuck twat 14 year olds from getting pregnant.
Then again, maybe I'm wrong and have no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe I've been having different sex than everyone else and it's nothing in comparison.
Maybe society is full of fucking idiots.
For a comedic touch:
 
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Monday, September 4th, 2006
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| Time: | 9:18 am. |
| Mood: |  distressed. |
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Saturday night was unbelievable. My stress level that night skyrocketed and being as inebriated as I was, that wasn't a lovely combination. To "sum" it all, my friend whom had just returned from Iraq for a bit partied with myself and a few friends at his house and downtown. He called one cab for all of us and that was a bad decision in itself. We went to Barcode and drank ourselves into oblivion, not keeping up with each other, and not really caring too much until we realized what had been done. Our guest from out of town left with his brother and his brother's girlfriend(?) and went back to his apartment, leaving everyone else downtown with no transportation. My two friends and I had to walk all the way from downtown to his apartment, which is located all the way down Milledge at Fairfax Hall. The pain my knees endured was intolerable. Luckily, in our drunken state, we found a buggie about 3/4 of the way and I was pushed the remainder of the way. (I love being a woman.) After a log, LONG walk, we finally make it to the complex only to be greeted by a vanful of police officers! Apparantly, my government owned friend shot his brother in the leg due to a meager arguement.
What- WHAT THE FUCK!
AND previously I had done my laundry at the apartment and left it there, which the just shot brother just so happened to fall and get blood a.k.a. "evidence" on, mainly all over my favorite white skirt, which I'm not allowed to have back right now. I hadn't been that upset in awhile. That plus all the emotional drama I've been put through lately, I felt like giving up. I got the rest of my clothing back, which I'm very grateful for, but I hate being dragged into situations and drama that does not pertain to me. I have way too much on my own.
I've made a point in the past 6 months not too drink so much and I've been doing quite well recently. I made Saturday night a night of celebration that my friend was still alive after continuing to serve at war. I knew I should've stayed home.
Needless to say, I had a quite a time and story to tell afterwards. Just one the of those epic tales that you'll use later on.
On any other note, I find it really hard to go through with things. I spend hours on end thinking about my dilemmas and come to an ultimate resolution, but I can never go though with it. It's frustraing and really kills the self-esteem. I need to learn how to be more of a person than just an empty shell.
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Friday, September 1st, 2006
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Things never change and I can't get past them.
I already feel like I've lived a lifetime and I haven't even started to live. I just need to let go of everything and it's very difficult and taking a considerable amount of time.
I find it difficult to make decisions lately. Especially ones that would change my life for the better. Feelings and old habits tend to overtake.
Sometimes I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore.
And at the same time, it consumes me.
I wish I could give up, but something holds me back and it pisses me off.
I need self control. Self esteem. Self discipline. But I can't find them anywhere.
It seems a lost cause to even try.
But on a lighter note, I'm going on vacation soon. Las Vegas. I've never been and think it will be the semi-break I need from similar surroundings and familiar faces. Then again, I can't keep an eye on the ones I love and distrust. I don't understand why it continues to bother me when I've accepted the fact that some people are lost forever. I don't understand hope.
I don't understand you.
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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
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I just want to clear a few things up. Yes, he is an asshole, but not so much. Atleast not as much as he used to be. Surprisingly enough he does make me happy and I think that counts for something. Yes, he does hurt me constantly and maybe I'm the biggest idiot in the world, but for all the times that he is good to me, it's so worth it, I'll put up with the asshole-ness because in the past years I can say that I've learned how to deal with it. I have come up with a solution that does leaves him with an ultimatum and will be final, I suppose, but I won't worry about that just yet.
And it's wonderful the kind of emotional support that I get from my friends. Jenna, I do miss you and I need to give you a call sometime and Titty, well.... Titty. I love Titty. You guys really do help, realize it or not.
I do love him more than I thought was possible and I do need second opinions in life. I think every woman does. But it's very difficult to get advice about my "love life". I only deal with one guy and the situation itself is so confusing, it's very hard to really get someone to listen without them taking sides to the extreme. I do NOT want to give out the impression that he is an all around bad guy. He is not. Yes, he's not perfect, not even close, but I think that's one of the things I love about him.
And I don't mean to post these things over the internet as if I'm trying to build an army and get more people involved in my personal life. All I ask for is general advice. No one reads this shit except for a select few and I care what they think and what insight they have to offer.
And I know that he reads this shit. Maybe by seeing it.... I don't know where I'm going with this one.
Yes, he is not great for me, but I don't care. He feels just fine. Whether we continue to see each other anymore or not, I don't know. That's something we have yet to talk about. I just want everyone to know that he's not as bad as you think. When it comes to relationships, YES. He's horrible at it. But as a person, it's much different.
I know. I'm a fucking retard. It's ok. I'll learn eventually.
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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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I've done it again, hopeless romantic I am. I let the man I love walk all over me and hurt me.
One year ago my good friend Ben Bone asked me why I continued doing what I was doing. I didn't have an answer for him, but I did vow that if he didn't love me in one year, that I would give up. That I would move on and quit wasting my time and energy.
Ben Bone stated that they should have a factory where they manufacture girls just like me.
It's been one year. A little over even. Things have not changed. I've been playing his games for 2 years and I guess it's about time I wise up.
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I was raped.
My old love is back in town.
My current lover is slipping from my memory and heart.
My head is in such a jumble there's no saving me now.
I just want to keep running and never stop.
I can't sleep. I can't eat. And I can't die.
What is there left?
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eh.
I'm so sick.
My head is about to explode with mucus. My body is on fire. My skin is sensitive. Every touch is like a needle to my skin. My eyes burn. I fucked my leg at the party last night and it hurts to walk.
Ok. That's out. Anyways, work work work work work work work work work work. Yuck.
New Tool album coming out soon as well as....?
(drumroll)
EAGLES OF (FUCKING) DEATH METAL.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. New Eagles of Death Metal cd out April 11th, I believe. Titled: Death by sexy.
*orgasm*
I'm done.
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Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
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I'm ready to blow up the white house.
*a swarm of federal agents from organizations such as FBI and CIA flood into the room with loaded semi-automatic weapons, throwing me to the ground and demanding where the bomb is.*
If only my life were that rich.
O.H. Did anyone watch Bush's speech yesterday? No oil.... just grass and woodchips.... right....
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Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
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| Time: | 6:41 pm. |
| Mood: |  pissed off. | | Music: | click click click. |
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I jost got laid off from my job. I hate my boss. He knew I needed this money. Prick.
Everything's just peachy.
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Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
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| Time: | 2:25 pm. |
| Mood: |  rejected. | | Music: | Eagles of Death Metal- English Girl. |
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So there's this best friend that I have. He tells me that he can't be my friend anymore because he says he never stopped wanting more. In a sense that breaks my heart because he's one of my best friends, like I said, and I don't call anyone that lightly. So I'm in a rut. I don't know what to do to convince him to stay my friend and still visit me and shit. I'm not going to ask him to do anything that he really doesn't want to do, but fuck man. This sucks. After everything was going so well. Shit went perfect for a day. And then this. And then Adam.... what the fuck is wrong with me?
Shit.
Someone's made me their voodoo doll, damnit.
Later: So last night I hear some noises outsides and go look out the back window. What do I happen to find but a fucking deer. Just sitting there. I came pretty fucking close to it. I put a little catfood out there. I don't know what fucking deers eat. After a bit, it finally ran off. As it was running off, it's left hind leg was just swinging from his torso. I guess he was finding a quiet place to die. I feel bad for disturbing him, but atleast I won't have a dead, rotting deer corpse in the back alley way.
word.
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Monday, October 31st, 2005
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Gone in one minute. My weekend was good until recently. But hey.
 You know it.
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Monday, October 24th, 2005
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AMBER GOT A JOB!
YES! It's true. Let us all celebrate with joy and happiness. It's a great day indeed. Hell has finally frozen over. Everyone must comment on my great success. If not, you're not my fucking friend, YOU'RE A FUCKING PUSSY. Yes, be intimidated.
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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
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sigh* I'm watching Robot Chicken. My favorite episode. It's the one with the tooth faerie.
Just to update:
His shirt smells good.
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abruisedorchid's journal
accomplished.
jubilant.
ecstatic.
amused.
indescribable.
crappy.
frustrated.
contemplative.
confused.
crushed.
empty.
sick.
fake smile....
numb.
enthralled.
Adam West.